Not too long ago…
1. One million seconds ago was about eleven days ago
2. One billion seconds ago 867-5309 (Jenny) was a hit song
3. One trillion seconds ago human civilization did not exist
4. Some scientists say that without beer there would be no human civilization…Score: Drunkards – 1 Teetotalers – 0
5. Nevertheless, after human civilization did begin and Egypt was building the Pyramids of Giza, wooly mammoths still roamed the Earth
6. Interestingly, looking at a timeline, Jesus Christ lived closer to the creation of the Twitter than he did to the creation of the Pyramids of Giza #SonOfGod #Blessed #John3:16
7. But even before the pyramids were a dreamed up in some crazy pharaoh’s mind, evidence from French cave paintings suggest that condoms were being used as early as 15,000 years ago
8. But be careful when you are using your condoms because according to the Old Testament you shouldn’t have sex with you mother. (Scary that they needed a law about this.) Nevertheless, watch your Oedipus complexes, boys!
9. But actually don’t worry about that because most of Sigmund Freud’s ideas have no scientific basis
10. And even the ones that did were sometimes poorly named. For example, Napoleon was of average height, so the whole Napoleonic Complex doesn’t make much sense
11. Also, Napoleon actually took power in year seven because the French changed the calendar during the French Revolution
But forget Europe because the United States is a pretty interesting place too…
12. David Rice Atchison served as President of the United States for one day on March 4, 1849
13. From 1859 to 1880, the city of San Francisco was ruled by Joshua Abraham Norton, otherwise known as Norton I, the self-proclaimed Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico
14. Oddly, the phrase “keep the ball rolling” was coined on William Henry Harrison’s presidential campaign trail as Harrison’s supporters pushed a giant ball with his campaign slogans on it across the country
15. Unbelievably, the US Civil War started in the backyard and ended in the front parlor of a man named Wilmer McLean’s house
16. Speaking of the Civil War, the term sideburns comes from the Union General Burnside and his outrageous facial hair
17. FDR, George W. Bush, Alec Baldwin, Humphrey Bogart, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and the founder of the Mormons – Joseph Smith – are all direct descendants of Elizabeth Tilley, a passenger on the Mayflower, so we can basically blame her for every success and problem in our country
18. In his 1796 farewell to the nation, George Washington actually warned against many problems including political parties, permanent international alliances, sectionalism, and most things that plague our nation today
19. George Washington was also not a great military general
20. Speaking of military history, Uncle Sam, contrary to popular belief, is based off of a real man named Samuel Wilson who owned a meat packing plant during the War of 1812
21. Most people think that the War of 1812 was the last time the US was invaded but during WWII in 1942, after the attack on Pearl Harbor, the Japanese actually took control of part of the Alaska for about a year
22. In regard to WWII, a British Man named Jack Churchill carried his bag pipe and fought through the whole war using a bow and a sword
23. Also, Japanese soldier Hiroo Onoda continued fighting WWII 29 years after it ended because nobody had told him that the war was over. In other words, giving up is sometimes a good idea
24. We all know that the atomic bomb ended the war 29 years before Onoda’s valiant last stand, ravaging nearly everything in Nagasaki and Hiroshima, but beer is generally safe to be consumed even if it were near a nuclear explosion; thus, fraternities will be sure to exist even after a nuclear war
Want to Feel Bad About Yourself…
25. Along with creating Family Guy, Seth MacFarlane was nominated for a Grammy for a big band/oldies album
26. Actor Steve Martin actually won a Grammy for a country album
27. Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello went to Harvard, so he’s not only better than you at guitar but he is smarter than you too!
28. While you can barely carry a tune, Paul McCartney wrote the song Yesterday in his sleep
29. Also, Queen’s lead guitarist Brian May has a PhD in astrophysics…I repeat, astrophysics
30. Speaking of Queen, Lady Gaga got her name from the Queen song Radio Gaga
While on the topic of music…
31. When Bruce Springsteen’s lead guitar player Steve van Zandt got married, Bruce Springsteen was the best man, Little Richard was the pastor, and Percy Sledge sang When a Man Loves a Woman as he walked down the aisle
32. Max Martin is one of the biggest influences in your life.
He wrote or co-wrote I Want it That Way, …Baby One More Time, Oops!…I Did it Again, Since U Been Gone, Domino, Raise Your Glass, We Are Never Getting Back Together, basically every Katy Perry song, and probably any other song you’ve ever liked
33. Though he did manage to rhyme freakin’ with weekend, R. Kelly is illiterate
34. There is a computer than can predict if a song will be popular with 60% accuracy, so get over yourselves, musicians
35. Also, most pop songs can be played with just four chords…again, get over yourselves musicians
36. Nevertheless, the Beach Boys were pretty good pop songwriters, but strangely Dennis Wilson was the only one of them that could surf
37. Dennis Wilson was also friends with murderer Charles Manson for a while, but ended the friendship because Manson was just too strange
Speaking of strange…
38. All of these beautiful paintings…
…were painted by Adolf Hitler
39. The dot on the top of a lower case ‘i’ is called a tittle
40. Chicago is further south than Florence, Italy
41. Speaking of geography, Poop Creek, Oregon is a real place…seriously
42. A Pennsylvania woman is legally married to and in love with a roller coaster, yet you are still single
43. If you are speeding at a ridiculous speed many cops won’t pursue you because they could get sued for speeding while chasing you
44. Kramer was called Kessler in first episode of Seinfeld
45. A mute Barack Obama is the protagonist in a comic book called Drafted where, as a Senator, he leads a human resistance against an alien invasion
46. During the 17th century in the Netherlands, tulips got so expensive that it could cost a wealthy merchant a whole year’s salary for just one
47. In 2010, there was a 12-day traffic jam on a Chinese highway simply caused by too many people on the road
48. MIT did a study and found that the hardest tongue twister is “Pad kid poured curd pulled cod”
49. Fred Phelps, founder of the vehemently anti-gay Westboro Baptist church, was a famous civil rights attorney in Texas during the 1960s
50. Also, some lizards can actually reproduce asexually
So science can definitely be stranger than fiction…
51. All women are actually descended from one woman called ‘Mitochondrial Eve’…Score: Religious Fundamentalists – 1 Scientists – 1
52. According to scientist Konrad Lorenz, we think things are cute based on how much they look like our infants
53. Camera companies have clearly been screwing us because researchers were able to take an actual photograph of a hydrogen atom…and its not even blurry with all that zoom
54. Speaking of really small things, according to quantum mechanics one particle can exist in two places at once
55. BecauseTylenol affects brain chemistry it can actually ease emotional as well as physical pain
56. Speaking of the brain, the human brain takes in 11 millions bits of info every second. You are only conscious of 40 bits
And so can animals…
57. The female Australian Redback Spider eats her mate during sex because she gets hungry
58. Ducks have been observed to engage in both rape and necrophilia
59. Flying snakes do in fact exist. LIVE IN FEAR!!!
60. The polar bear and grizzly bear can mate and produce the grolar bear
61. Thanks to Napoleon Dynamite, many people are acquainted with the liger, but few know the much less mainstream tigon, a mix between a male tiger and female lion
62. In the late 1800s, in an attempt to protect his herd, a Malaysian elephant derailed a train and soon died after #NeverForget
And so can writers…
63. NFL player Terrell Owens published a book called Little T Learns to Share. In conclusion, Big T never read his own book
64. C.S. Lewis, author of The Chronicles of Narnia, and J.R.R. Tolkien, author of The Lord of the Rings, were good friends and members of the same writer’s club called the Inklings. In conclusion, your book club sucks
65. St. Thomas Aquinas’s parents didn’t want him to be a priest, so they locked him in a tower with a beautiful woman to try to change his mind. He wouldn’t touch her. In conclusion, your parents have been getting you bad gifts every Christmas
66. John Locke wrote extensively about how slavery was wrong but made most of his money in the slave trade. In conclusion, hypocrites have always existed
67. Ernest Hemingway would write standing up while Truman Capote wrote laying down calling himself a completely horizontal writer. In conclusion, many writers are psychotic
68. Jurassic Park author Michael Crichton believed that his literature professor at Harvard was grading way too hard. He handed in a paper written by George Orwell and was given a B-. In conclusion, the Ivy League sucks…or maybe they just should have admitted me
69. Lastly, there is no record of Socrates ever writing anything
But there is a record of everything on the Internet…
70. For example, CNN’s OJ Simpson trial page hasn’t been updated since the 1990s
71. Neither has the Space Jam movie website
72. By the way, the World Wide Web was created by Tim Bernards-Lee
73. And Ward Cunningham – the guy that created the wiki – stated that “the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it’s to post the wrong answer”
74. All of those people that edit wikis got their big payout in 2006 when Time Magazine named you – yes, you – the Time Person of the Year for everybody’s individual content creations on the Internet
75. Adolf Hitler was also Time Man of the Year in 1938, so calm down
76. But so was Gandhi…Coincidence? I think not
But Gandhi has more to do with sex than the Internet…
77. Good ole’ Gandhi took a vow of celibacy at 37 but would often lay naked with women half his age just to test himself. In other words, Gandhi was sorta a perv
78. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. wasn’t perfect when it came to his sex life either: he cheated on his wife, Coretta Scott King
79. Even the papacy isn’t infallible when it comes to sex because Pope Alexander VI had multiple children
80. Speaking of powerful rulers, though he saw most of Europe during his life, after his death, Napoleon’s penis traveled the world, even being put on display in the United States
81. On the topic of ruthless rulers, Joseph Stalin once told his bodyguards not to enter his room. In order to test them, he began screaming. The ones that came in were killed
82. Speaking of crazy orders, in an attempt to westernize Russia, Peter the Great implemented a Beard Tax forcing any man who refused to shave his beard to pay an excise tax
83. But back to popes: to make up for an inaccuracy in the Julian calendar, the Gregorian calendar, named for Pope Gregory, skipped from September 2nd to September 13th, which resulted in people rioting because they wanted their 11 days back
But movies can be even cooler popes…
84. Pixar describes its approach to making movies as anti-Disney: no songs, no ‘I want’ moments, no happy villages, no love story, and no villain
85. Nicholas Cage’s uncle is Francis Ford Coppala, the man that directed The Godfather, The Godfather II, Apocalypse Now, and The Outsiders. Clearly, talent in film has nothing to do with genetics
86. If you find yourself in New Zealand, you can go visit the Lord of the Rings movie set
87. Speaking of Lord of the Rings, Christopher Lee, the actor that played Saruman, released a metal album when he was 91
88. Yes, Paul Blart: Mall Cop is a great movie, but according to a 2007 survey of 1,500 people in the film industry by the American Film Institute, Citizen Kane is the greatest movie of all time…I swear it’s good
89. Speaking of good movies, Netflix was started after CEO Reed Hastings racked up a $40 late fee on a copy of Apollo 13
90. On the topic of late fees, ironically the last movie rented before the last Blockbuster franchise closed was This is the End, so don’t tell me Americans don’t have a good sense of humor
91. Speaking of comedy, Steve Carell actually had his chest waxed in The 40 Year Old Virgin
92. Also, the guy the movie Rudy was based off of (Rudy…duh) had to pay $382,866 after being charged with fraud on the stock market
Oh yeah, sports…
93. In 1916, Georgia Tech was leading a football game against Cumberland College 126 to 0 when their coach – John Heisman – told his team at halftime, “Men, we might be in front, but you never know what those Cumberland players have up their sleeves.” Georgia Tech won 222 to 0
94. In 1974, the Cleveland Indians had a $0.10 beer night, which ended in fans rioting and storming the field
95. Also, Professional wrestler Andre the Giant would drink two liters of vodka to feel warm
96. The longest baseball game ever was a 33-inning minor league between the Pawtucket Red Sox and Rochester Red Wings that lasted 8 hours and 25 minutes, in which Pawtucket won 3 to 2.
97. Jackie Robinson was a poser. Moses Fleetwood was the first African-American baseball player in 1898
98. The first volleyballs were made from the insides of basketballs
99. Between 60% and 80% of NBA and NFL players go bankrupt within 5 years of retirement
100. We can finally silence crazy cheerleaders too because a court legally ruled that cheerleading isn’t a sport
One last thing…
101. If you live for 80 more years, you only have 4,160 weekends left. Have fun!