It’s 1:30am on a Monday, I’m a bottle of wine in (Rex Goliath Cabernet- someone cut me off, please- oh wait…it’s already gone) and my dads “breakup bottle of scotch” (dear lord- he has hit his mid life crisis and I can’t thank him enough for it) is calling my name. I just left my boyfriend of nearly four years last week (Yes, I chose to do it. All me. 100%. You heard me right- four years). The man who said he was ready to propose within the next six months. Last week I walked out on everything I had planned for my future. Oh, I should mention- I just lost my dog too. My black lab puppy- Beau. He just turned one and is the absolute love of my life. He is with my ex and I don’t know when I will see him again- he decided Beau is his now. I am definitely putting my waterproof mascara to the test. I am one hot, pathetic, tipsy mess. I’m sitting on the floor trying to figure out my life (nice fire burning near by, hell yes fall is here)- but I think it’s important I share my experience with y’all.
I do not hate my ex. There was no malice or wrongdoing on either side of this breakup. I did not leave him because he hit me, or cheated, or was some monster. In fact, he is a great guy and he is going to make some other girl very lucky. Sure, the breakup wasn’t pretty, but that’s ok. We had a great love for long time. I am beyond thankful and blessed that he was a big part of my life. He helped shape me into the woman I am today throughout college. We had just grown apart. I will always love my ex, always. I was just no longer in love with him. We had done what you’re supposed to do in life: we grew up. We also grew apart. It took me months to decide to walk away. I cried, prayed, talked to friends, drank, and still have no idea how I did it. Nights are lonely and hard, it honestly sucks. But then I get on Pinterest and get to relive the idea that it’s all just starting out. I get to rebuild myself and my life. I will say, having family and friends that love you unconditionally is a true blessing. Always surround yourself with family, faith, and fun.
Why am I telling you this sad pathetic love story gone wrong? Because you deserve it. You deserve to know what it’s like to walk away from everything. Why? Because through my pain, I can tell you that you deserve the absolutely world. You deserve to have someone that looks at you like they’re just seeing the world for the first time. Like they are seeing their first sunset, sunrise, or midnight storm. Someone that smiles around you just because they can. Someone who makes you a better person to everyone you meet. The person that wants to hold your hand because something about that middle school style spark gets you every time. You deserve to be with someone who you feel will literally be your best friend, lover, and protector. For you men reading this, you also deserve classy, respectful, exciting, nurturing, caring, and beautiful women! You do. We all deserve to have someone who makes our heart and souls smile. I found myself holding a new guys hand today (nothing serious, calm it down people). For the first time in years, my heart was racing and I felt like I was in middle school grinding at a dance to Nelly (yes, I did that). I was nervous, excited, and FREE.
I am certainly not writing this to convince you to rethink your relationships by any means. I am a firm believer in love and finding someone to share life with. I wrote this to assure you that you can walk away from what you think your life is supposed to be. Look, you can hurt like hell, you can cry yourself to sleep for nights on end, you can eat chocolate and drink wine in excess, you can feel as if your world is crumbling down. But you can also consciously chose to create your own life, exactly how you want.
One of my absolute favorite poems (also cinematography) is
William Ernest Henley’s Invictus:
