Relationships. We all know that they can be a struggle. However, who needs a boyfriend or a girlfriend when all you need is well…. your cell phone. We all know we adore our cell phone. I will prove to you the facts by explaining my real love story with my own cell phone. Here are the 9 stages where I realized I fell in love with my perfect soulmate, my own cell phone.
Stage 1: The Heartbreak
It all started when I got out of an abusive relationship with my old phone. It never listened to me, always ignored me, and just did what it wanted. It didn’t fulfill all of my needs. It was like being in a relationship with a brick wall, so I had to end it. The breakup left a hole in my heart that I needed to fill, and that is when I spotted this brand new pretty little thing. It was love at first sight.
Stage 2: Stalking
I am so attracted to this new babe that I’m constantly on the internet looking at pictures and videos of it. I am trying to learn everything about it, because I don’t want to rush into a new relationship and set myself up for yet another disappointment. I’m asking my friends about this phone; “Is it fast?”, “Is it big?”, “Does it feel right?”, “Will it still let me talk to my friends?”, “Can I easily push its buttons?”. Once I’ve decided I want this phone, I’ll do everything to make it mine.
Stage 3: Our First Date
I bring you to my house, take you to my room, and it’s only the two of us. I pick you up very gently because I know you are new and fragile. I take a picture of you and upload it to Instagram, because I want everyone to see how fine you are. You have all of my attention and I promise you that I will take such good care of you. I will leave the plastic on, because I don’t want anything happening to you. I don’t mean to be rude, but… tonight, I will explore all of your features.
Stage 4: The Honeymoon
We are so happy together! You listen to everything I say and I constantly keep you warm. I buy you new clothes. I take a mirror selfie of you and I and set it as my new profile picture, so now our relationship is official. I’m so in love that even in a room full of people, I can’t keep my hands off of you. I think this happiness is going to last forever.
Stage 5: The Real Deal
Your good looks are just not enough anymore. I want more. I need more! You are pretty but I am just used to you now. You never do anything special for me anymore. You always have so much going on, and I’m sick of it! You are always waking me up when I am sleeping… Please, leave me alone, I need some space! And at this point I am going to go ahead and do something dramatic – I am going to take your plastic off. And that’s when you know that I am just not that in to you anymore.