The word ‘sorry’ is going to become incredibly frustrating for you. Particularly right afterward, everyone is going to come up to you with an incredibly sincere, sympathetic smile and let you know how sorry they are for your loss. Part of you is going to get mad, because sorry does nothing for you. You know they mean well, but sorry does not fill the human-size void left in your heart. Try your best to understand, amidst all the fog and sadness and confusion, that most people are at a complete loss when it comes to death, and sorry is the best they can give you. Smile at them and thank them, and make their words mean what you need them to mean.
Find a group of people, no matter how small, that will let you find your peace. Help them understand what you need, because sometimes a sympathetic ‘I’m sorry’ just will not cut it. When you fall to pieces, they will put you back together again. They won’t mind the cracks between your parts, and will help you find something to fill in the gaps again.
Whether it was ten, twenty, fifty years, or only an hour ago, your grieving will always be justified. It is never stupid to find yourself sobbing over some seemingly unimportant trinket, or to clutch a dusty childhood photo like a life preserver. Go through ten, twenty, thirty notebooks with your scribbling, even if the only word you are writing is ‘why?’ over and over again. It’s okay to scream at the top of your lungs and punch a pillow, or get in your car and drive until you get a change of scenery and can breathe freely again.
Major family gatherings and life events will always be hard. After my father died, the first time I attended a wedding a realized that I would miss out on the traditional father and daughter dance at my own wedding one day, it felt like my heart had broken all over again. I hope you realize how proud your parent would be to see you accomplishing something you have been working for, to see you happy, and to see you being the person they worked so hard to raise you to be. When you open your Christmas gifts, or graduate from high school, look back on your memories and remember how much your parent loves you, and know that your joy and accomplishments are a part of them, and in that way, they will always be present.
