So uh hi, 2015. I know that we barely know each other considering we just met last night but I thought that this would be a good opportunity for you to hear the plans I have for us. It may come across as a bit pushy but trust me, this is absolutely necessary. I’m not going to set you up to fail but instead I’m going to tell you what you need to be good in my eyes. So first…
Don’t Be Like the Past Few Years I’ve Been With
No offense to any of the past years but they needed to go. I had to tell 2013 to “swerve.” I was completely over 2014 “about a week ago.” And 2012 was completely crazy; it went around screaming “YOLO” everywhere but then December came around and it was crying about the end of the world for some reason. Just don;t come at me with any of that stuff and we’ll get along just fine.
Don’t Make me Fat
PLEASE!!! The past few years must have gotten together in order to create a plan to attack my waistline. Seriously. 2012 put food trucks in every parking lot in America. 2013 gave me not one but two new Doritos Locos Tacos and cronuts. A croissant and a donut? That’s unfair. But 2014 was the worst as the most delicious abomination came into the light: the quesarito. A quesadilla wrapped around a burrito? How can anyone resist? Just keep it to simple stuff like fat free pizza or campus food that doesn’t taste exactly like painted cardboard. Shouldn’t be too hard right?
Make My Birthday Awesome
I’m not saying that you should turn my party into the greatest single-night event since the actual Project X in Melbourne, but make it memorable. You’re a nice round year that ends in a five so when I look back to you to tell stories about what happened I’d rather say “my birthday in 2015,” rather than the usual “my XX birthday.” It’s just more fun this way.
Motivate Me to be Better
The past few years were completely content with who I was when we first started seeing each other and didn’t want me to change at all. Please don’t be like them. Give me some reason to become a better version of who I am right now otherwise I’ll probably be the same as we near our end. Make me want to be better unless you want me to only know how to cook ramen for the rest of my life. Finally…
DON’T SUCK
Even if you disregard all of the other things I asked of you, do this one and I’ll forgive you. You don’t have to be the greatest year that anyone has ever seen. You don’t have to be the most memorable year that anyone has ever had. You don’t even have to do anything extraordinary. If you give me my ups and my downs in a good balance that leave me with contention, then I can look back at you with admiration and respect.
But really though, don’t suck.
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