I’m twenty and I’ve never been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than a month or two. But so what, right? I’m only twenty. I still have my entire life ahead of me! I have goals and aspirations and things to learn about myself before I can properly settle down with someone.
But it doesn’t always feel that way. Sometimes it just sucks, especially when it seems like everyone around me is in a relationship. There’s been times when I’ve wallowed in self-pity because I somehow convinced myself I’d be #foreveralone (I even have the tweets to prove it). And there’s been times when I thought it was the end of the world, like when I almost didn’t have a prom date and for some godforsaken reason I had to have a date or I wouldn’t go.
Instead of thinking that I have my whole life ahead of me, I start wondering why I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I start to analyze every relationship I’ve been in and dissect them until I can see every little detail. I analyze every conversation, every text message, every date… everything. I think back to everything I’ve ever said or done and begin to question myself.
And when I begin to question myself, I begin to blame myself. I tell myself that if I wasn’t going to a university across the country from my hometown I could actually keep a steady relationship. I tell myself that it’s my fault because I wasn’t trying hard enough or I just wasn’t worth it. I tell myself that it’s my fault even when I know it’s not.
But when all of the bad thoughts go away and the good ones come back I realize that it doesn’t matter that I’ve never been in a serious relationship. All it means is that I haven’t found the right person. I haven’t found the person willing to stick around or the person I’m willing to fight for.
I realize that I’m being irrational. I realize that no guy is worth those thoughts. I realize that I made choices in my life to be where I am for a reason – for myself. I realize that the right guy will stay with me despite the distance because he’ll think I’m worth it. I realize that it’s not my fault and I realize that I’m worth more than the ugly thoughts that plagued my mind.
Then I start to feel really empowered and remember that as much as I would love to have a significant other and know how great it could be, I also know that I don’t need one to be happy. If another guy comes along and it feels right then I’ll go for it, but if things don’t work out then I’ll just move on with my life. I’m not going to completely shun the idea of settling down, but I’m also not going to let my life revolve around it.
I’m twenty and I’ve never been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than a month or two. And that’s okay with me.
