Honest Television Channel Descriptions (2)

6. The Food Network

“Get hungry and say you can’t wait to cook this, and then order pizza instead!”

What do crab stuffed lobster tail, ginger glazed mahi mahi, and filet mignon with a rich balsamic glaze have in common? I will never take the time to cook any of them! Oh well, I saw a Papa Johns coupon online the other day that I have been meaning to use.

5. Syfy

“Scary animal fusions and people hunting ghosts!”

Science fiction movies have really hit their stride. We have amazing space movies like Interstellar and The Martian, Disney has raised the bar for superhero movies, and scientists like Neil Degrasse Tyson have embraced the fusion of pop culture and science like never before. And then there is the channel that brought you hits like Sharktopus, Sharknado, Piranhaconda, and an endless stream of ghost hunter specials. Syfy may not be the biggest name in science fiction but they have definitely hit a niche market, and you have to respect that.

4. GSN

“Enough sound and movement to keep your grandmother entertained at the nursing home!”

All grandparents love The Price is Right.

3. Lifetime

“Men are bad and will hurt you!”

Is it just me or has there never been a happy Lifetime original movie? I have seen a few, and from what I can remember, 100% of them involved rape, 90% involved an unwanted pregnancy, and in 85% of those the guy wasn’t sticking around to help. I am not saying there aren’t some bad guys out there, but all of them? Really Lifetime?

2. E!

“Don’t worry, its okay to creep on people if they’re famous!”

What is it exactly that makes people need to know every time a celebrity sneezes? Who is to say, but whatever it is, E has you covered.

1. Adult Swim

“Its late, you’re stoned, you know you want to watch us.”

Adult Swim may be a late night spot on Cartoon Network, but in many ways it is its own channel entirely. Between shows like Rick and Morty, Black Jesus, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and all of your favorite FOX cartoon re runs…Adult Swim is sure to satisfy your munchies.

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