1. Say their name. If no one is around you, say baby I love you, if you ain’t runnin’ game. Beyonce is right about everything.
2. Give him/her your own nickname. Yeah, forget that stuff about saying her name. Say the special nickname that you created just for them. Like, if her name is Lauren Passell, give them a rap name like L Pizzy, or call them Passie Pass, or just simply LP. She will love that.
3. Make eye contact with them across the room and smile. It’s hard to do this when you are trying to, in fact, avoid eye contact with your crush, and when you do lock eyes with him your eyes start screaming and your knees automatically turn to Jell-O noodles and you have to crawl to another room in defeat. But keep those eyes opened, try to not fall. Nothing says “I like you” like eyes and a smile.
4. Text her right back. Hey, man. We know it’s cool to wait, but if you are seriously into this person, you can’t waste any time trying to be cool. Try to be real, dogs. Texting right back is like saying “yes YOU are my priority! I like you.”
5. Make your own inside joke. Here’s one: “I’m nervous, I’m going home!” Now go get your own.
6. Create a rivalry between you. Wager that you can eat more pickles than he can, or that you can run faster in high heels than he can, or that you can make better huevos rancheros than him. But remember, there is a difference between angry and cute competition. Angry competition will make him run for the hills and possibly call the police. Cute competition is like a kitten sitting on a cloud, winking.
7. If you leave a party, say goodbye to him. Yeah, we know. You don’t want to do that because then everyone will know you like that person! Well yes—exactly. Like, your crush will. And if your crush doesn’t know, you’re not going to get very far.
8. Don’t talk about people of the opposite sex around them. Even if it’s not someone you are interested in romantically, your crush might think you are talking about someone you are interested romantically. If you are a girl, don’t talk about your boy cousin named Joseph. Especially if you are talking about that one time you took a bath together, because you were 10 months old when that happened. And if you are a girl, don’t talk about your girlfriend Jamie. Because Jamie is a very common boy’s name. Talk about cheese. Everyone loves cheese. And if they don’t, why don’t they love cheese? You need to talk about this.
9. Look awesome when you see him/her. Your crush might not know you like ‘em, but they sure will like your shoooOOooes. (Or whatever.)
10. Call yo crush on the phone. Using a phone as a phone these days is so old-timey that it’s swoonworthy. It’s like a combination of old-timey and sexy, which is like Colin Firth in Pride and Predjudice.
11. Ask your crush about him/herself and remember the answers. Just think, “What do I wish my crush would ask ME about?” And ask about that. Ex: “Do you wish you were eating a pizza with eggplant parmesean on it? Or eggplant parmesean with pizza in it?” “How many more minutes until The Big Bang Theory is on?” “What is the best dance move in Robyn’s ‘Call Your Girlfriend?’”
12. Give your crush a silly, randomly specific compliment. Your earlobes are gorgeous. Almost as gorgeous as your calf muscles.
13. Pretend to read their palm. This line means you are getting very hunggggry. You want some eggplant parmesan. You should get some, or something badddd might happen. You should get extra, in case someone around you wants some, too. This line means you shouldn’t cut your hair for awhile because you looked more attractive before you cut it so short. Oh look, we’re holding hands now!
14. Pay attention to stuff he/she says and bring it up later. When she says she has a sister, ask every once in awhile, “How is your sister?” But if he has a goiter, do not ask every once in awhile, “How is your goiter?” Never ask that.
15. Take a picture of the two of you together. But for God Sake, make sure your hair looks fantastic.
16. Introduce your crush to your friends. But make sure your crush doesn’t like your friends more than you. (If you have REALLY awesome friends, think about hiding them for awhile.) Similarly, make sure your friends don’t like your crush more than they like YOU. You don’t want to kick yourself out of the picture, here.
17. Laugh at your crush’s jokes. NOT TOO HARD and not too soft, just right. Put your Goldilocks hat on. (SO hot right now.)
18. Touch your crush while you are talking to him. Not on weird places like the tip of his nose or ear lobes. Or calves. Or fingernails. Or their stomac—you know what? You may touch him on the arm or shoulder. That’s good for now, let’s start there.
19. Pass a note. Even if you’re not in class. If your’e not in class it’s even funnier, because, like why would you just not tell them?!
20. Drive your crush somewhere if you can. If you take her to the airport, she practically owes you her first born. And that is a great thing to hold over someone.
21. Like (some of) their stuff on Facebook. Don’t go crazy or anything, and don’t like things about sickness or Kim Kardashian or Oh Jesus this. Use common sense.
22. Tell someone else. Someone with a big mouth.
23. JUST TELL YOUR CRUSH ALREADY. There is always that.
Copyright © 2014 University Primetime
