I am not sure that I have ever been in love. I think I have, but I am not completely sure. I think this is mainly because every time I have tried to shed away the heavy guard of fear, I have ended up hurt. So, just like that, I try to push the opportunity of love away before it can even happen.
My body is no longer permeable; it refuses to let any passion, fondness, and sentiment in. It shields away any affection before I could become involved with somebody I actually like. This is because my heart has been broken way too much and in so many ways, and not only by relationships with the guys I have dated; It has been broken by friends I imagined to be in my life forever. I have experienced such extreme emotions in the past, and frankly used them all up, making me into a numb human being.
Now, I have turned into the heart breaker. Any time that I catch myself slipping on the surface of love and falling, I back off and skid away. I think the reason that I do this is because not only do I fear love, but I fear the unknown. What if my feelings are more intense while the other person’s feelings aren’t there at all or fading away? Or, even worse, what if the person I am developing feelings for has feelings for somebody else?
I have seen relationships where I thought the two people would grow old together. And then, the volcano erupts and they go their separate ways, never speaking again. I have been in that type of relationship. I think it is so weird that when you meet somebody, you are either going to have a fling, a hookup, a relationship, or marriage. There are quite some gaps between those possibilities.
My greatest concern is that I am going to fall in love too young to a guy who is going to steal the best years of my life. I am young, and I want to find myself even more. I want to be able to stand up with my head up high, encompassed by a sense of independence. For the most part, I have the courage that I need in life as well as the motivation and strength to accomplish my goals. In a way, I want to achieve this on my own. I want to know where my place is in the world, and I want to rock it. I want to let my guard down and fall in love with myself.
But, at the same time, love is such a powerful feeling to experience with somebody. Though, I wonder, how could I love somebody else when I am not finished loving myself?
