As a child born the product of an addict, I can most definitely tell you that you do learn lessons along the way. Even if you aren’t the person with the addiction yourself, you go through each hard moment as if you were. Most of the time, even worse. Every case of addiction is different– I’m not trying to generalize everyone’s feelings into my own– but there is one characteristic that holds true for every addict: they’ve hurt someone. It doesn’t matter what kind of addiction you have, I guarantee you someone has been hurt by the course of your actions. Alcohol, pills, heroin, cocaine, opiates, nicotine, you name it. You’ve most definitely hurt someone else, but you’ve definitely hurt yourself. I’ve learned a lot growing up in a house where substances were more important than the daughter of the substance abuser. So if you’re reading this, chances are, you’re a lot like me– you’ve been hurt by loving an addict, and you’ve also learned some extremely valuable lessons along the way.
What is said or done to you during a drunken episode of addiction, most of the time, isn’t something the person truly means.
When an addict is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, words and actions that would never be said or acted upon under normal circumstances do occur. The words that they say or the things that they do to you may not be meant by the sober version of them– if that person even exists anymore– yet they still happen. Being smacked in the face or screamed at for no reason may become a part of your daily happenstances, but surely enough, you never seem to get used to the destructiveness of the person you love. You begin making excuses for them like, “Oh, it’s okay, I know they didn’t mean it,” or “It really wasn’t that bad. It’s fine,” but it’s not. It’s not fine. It will never be fine.
That being said, that doesn’t make it okay.
Being drunk or high is never an excuse for the malicious things that is said or done out of drunken or hallucinative endeavors. Do not make excuses for these people. You’ll learn quickly that even though they claim they cannot control what happens when they’re under the influence of a substance, that doesn’t lessen the impact of how it feels to you. A person can only take so much before they’ve had enough, and most of the time, that line is a very fine one.
It’s okay to walk away when you’ve had enough.
Selfishness is what I grew up around when dealing with the addict in my life, so the only thing I ever knew was how to tend to other people’s desires and needs before my own. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I learned that I didn’t have to put up with someone who completely messed me up mentally. Being afraid of them was only temporary as long as I escaped their hold on me. Blocking someone from your life who was once toxic to you is nothing you should feel bad about, although you probably will at first. You don’t have to be roped back into their manipulative ways as they try and make you feel bad for “leaving them during a hard time in their lives” because you know what? If it weren’t for them, your whole life up until that point wouldn’t have been a “hard time” either. Let them figure life out on their own if that’s what you have to do to better yourself.
How to grow up quickly.
One of the biggest things you learn to do from loving an addict, especially when you’re young, is how to grow up quickly. Children who are the products of addicts, from a very small age, learn that unless they want to starve, be late to school, or be taken care of properly, they have to step up and become the adult in the situation. This is probably one of the most difficult lessons to learn because as a small child, not only do we not know how to do “adult things,” but we understand that we shouldn’t have to. Growing up quickly can rid you from having a proper childhood, and in return, you become an old soul soon before your adolescence. Adults who were once children of addictive parents know very well that although their friends may just be entering “adult stage,” you’ve become very comfortable and experienced in the adult seat for quite some time now.
Yes it’s a “disease,” but you don’t get tired of hearing that used as an excuse.
I can’t tell you how many times the addict I loved was the one who was being pitied by outsiders due to the statement, “They can’t help it! It’s a disease. You wouldn’t abandon someone you love because of cancer, would you?” No, I wouldn’t abandon a loved one with cancer. I wouldn’t abandon a loved one, period. Firstly, I never abandoned anyone; they abandoned me. Secondly, NEVER compare alcoholism to cancer. No one chooses to get cancer. No one chooses to have their cells multiply beyond control as they watch their lives become totally uprooted. Addicts choose to pick up the bottle, inject the syringe, swallow the pills. Yes, I understand it gets to a point “beyond control,” but you can’t go through life pretending like you had no part of it. Like you have no part of it now. There are plenty of treatment options open to those who want treatment. There was someone who initially got themselves into the substance of choice, and it sure as hell wasn’t me. With that being said, do not blame it all on biology and the fact that, “it could have happened to anyone.” I’m sorry, but a person can’t become addicted to cocaine if they never took that first snort of it.
You’ll always love them even if you can no longer handle them in your life.
Love is unconditional if it’s real. It’s not just something that vanishes in the night, even if the person happens to. A part of you will always love the addict who tore you apart, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is loving them more than you love yourself and remaining by their side even if it’s absolutely tearing you apart. Your happiness has to come before tending to what they need. While they may need AA, you need love. You need someone who won’t attempt in smashing a bottle at your head as it goes crashing against the drywall. You need someone who won’t put you in danger when you don’t have the proper means of telling them no, you won’t get in that car after they’ve downed their last few pills. You will always love them, but that isn’t reason enough to put up with their shit and put your life in danger.
It wasn’t my fault.
This was most definitely the single-most difficult thing to come to terms with. It doesn’t happen overnight– believe me on that one– but someday, I hope it does. Nothing they’ve done to end them up where they are was, is, or will ever be your fault. Children of addicts often blame themselves for their parents’ addictions. “Maybe if I wasn’t born, they wouldn’t have had all of this stress to begin with,” or “If I just did X, Y, or Z, I could have prevented it.” Unfortunately, no, you couldn’t have done anything to stop it, and no, none of this is your fault. I think I blamed myself for my father’s actions for at least a decade before I came to the realization that it wasn’t my fault. A lot of times, addicts can’t take responsibility for things that they do partly because a lot of them are too immature to admit it or too in denial to understand it. They will either blame you for their misfortune directly or indirectly make you feel as if you are to blame through how they act towards you. Your life will become much less burdensome once you realize that it never was your fault.
And most importantly, I’ve learned that my children will never have to go through what I’ve gone through.
Knowing what it feels like to be the victim of your addict’s abuse teaches you what to stay away from for next time, whether that be in a relationship or even just people you surround yourself with. Most importantly, it teaches you what not to do yourself. I am very confident in the fact that my children will not be the products of addictive parents because 1) I swore to myself a very, very long time ago I would never make my children feel the way I once did, and 2) I swore to myself I would never marry someone like my father. Although addiction can arouse at any time, I now know the warning signs of an addictive personality and I have become extremely cautious with who I become close to in fear that I will be hurt by someone’s selfish actions again. My wish for my children is that they have a long and proper childhood, that I have the ability to teach them to take responsibility for their actions, and their actions alone, and that they never know the pain of having a parent who cares more about a materialistic substance than them.
