I was addicted, I needed my fix instantly and all the time. You were a drug. A drug I couldn’t live without. Just like all addicts, I would get my fix, but it was never enough. I always wanted more, and I got greedy. I was so greedy for you and for my fix that it led me down a dark road. I invested so much time obsessing over the thought of you because like any addiction, the second they take it away from you, you want more.
My addiction time consuming and I needed rehab. Not the kind that treats you for a legitimate drug problem, but emotional rehab. I needed a new hobby, something to distract my thoughts and made up situations. Similar to any addict there are steps for recovering.
1. Denial. I was in denial that you were gone, that you were moving on. I was in denial when I heard that you were talking to other girls telling them how great your night together was. I denied it all, and buried it so deep in the back of my mind so it wouldn’t distract me anymore.
2. Acceptance- Over the course of this fall I have begun to accept the fact that you might never come back. The idea that soon you’ll probably have a new girlfriend or love interest, and I will be left to hang, to dangle from the string you tied me to.
3. Make a change– Although I’m not physically here yet, I have decided to make a change. What you might ask? I’m choosing to study abroad. I’m making the decision to pick up and leave this school, this city, this country, and embark on a life-changing journey. When I leave, everything that has to do with you will be left behind to collect dust.
4. Admit your faults– Sure I might blame you, but I’m at fault too. I did things to get to this point. I let myself fall in love with you all over again this past summer. Probably not my best idea, but just like a recovering addict I had a relapse. My addiction conquered my judgment, leaving me to feel empty and helpless once again.
5. Remove any type of interaction– I deleted your number out of my phone and with your number I deleted you. I deleted all the times you kissed me on the forehead while we were around our friends, and the times you told me you were going to miss me so much this year. I erased the times you said we would keep in touch, and the time you told me you loved me again. Those memories are now gone. Now they’re empty words that I no longer want to hold onto. They’re useless to me now.
6. Embrace all things new and healthy– Sure this might mean eat better and start working out more, but what I mean is don’t let your addiction dictate who you are. I’m embracing my flaws, my quirks and my “unique” personality. I’m taking risks and letting go in the most beautiful way possible and let me tell you, it’s breathtaking. You never realize how beautiful everything and everyone is until that’s all you can do.
I’m beating this addiction. One day I’ll wake up and no longer crave you or your attention. Soon you’ll be just another person and a distant memory, but until then I’m going to fight like hell to overcome you.
