As a person that has been disabled and in and out of a wheelchair since birth, I have come in contact with people of all walks (or wheels) of life. During these points of contacts, there seems to be one thing that so many people have in common – they have no idea how to talk to a disabled person. They either tip toe around conversation, or stomp through like a bull in a china shop.
Fear not! Here is a go-to guide of things to avoid when speaking with disabled people, if you would like to not forever be considered ‘that guy’.
5. “What Happened To You/How Did That Happen?”
I get this question a LOT. Don’t get me wrong, if we’re friends, I am more than happy to let you know how my disability occurred. However, there is something off putting about a complete stranger approaching and asking ‘what’s wrong’ with me. Honestly, if you do this, I feel like it’s more appropriate for me to ask this of you.
4. “How… Are… You… Today?”
Physical disabilities and wheelchairs do not automatically indicate a mental disability. In either case, you look like an asshole. Talk to disabled people like people – if we need you to slow down or speak up, I promise we will let you know.
3. “You Are Sooo Strong/You Make Me Feel So Lazy/If You Can Do It, So Can I!”
The intent behind this is positive, but it is incredibly frustrating to be seen solely as inspiration porn. I am a person, not a motivational poster. Furthermore, it is not my job to be a source of constantly positive motivation for you. Sometimes, being disabled sucks, and it is not always easy to be a ray of sunshine in those situations. In the words of Stella Young, “… [W]e’ve been sold the lie that disability is a Bad Thing, capital B, capital T. It’s a bad thing, and to live with a disability makes you exceptional. It’s not a bad thing, and it doesn’t make you exceptional… No amount of smiling at a flight of stairs has ever made it turn into a ramp. Never.”
2. “I Don’t Even See You As A Disabled Person.”
Well, you should, because I am. Again, there is positive intent here, but my disability is a part of who I am. When you are friends with me, you are friends with my disability, as well. Growing up with my disability has greatly influenced my person-hood, and denying its existence takes away a part of me.
1. “Stop Faking It/Being Over Dramatic/Being So Lazy.”
This is similar to number two, but without the positive intent.
I’m sure you feel like what you say is an ‘attempt at boldness, and in our overly PC society, blah blah blah’, insert other nonsense that enable your ableist behavior here.
My disability is a part of who I am as a person, and because I have lived with it far longer than you have known me, I am the only person who can determine exactly how much I am or am not capable of doing. Not even other disabled people are capable of determining what another disabled person is capable of doing. Our struggles and our strengths are all entirely individual, not to be defined by you.
