1) He will buy a $1,000 industrial size pool because he “why not” … and because he refuses to use public swimming pools
2) In the winter he will buy an inflatable swimming pool for the basement and buy $500 of KY Jelly to have a KY Jelly wrestling party
3) When he buys meat for the Saturday grillout, he refuses to eat any meat of lesser quality than Filet Mignon and so that is the only meat he buys for everyone to eat
4) Because he takes an Uber everywhere and you can tag along free of charge
5) If your house doesn’t spend at least $400 on a party, he says, “that’s peasant shit” and he will cover the difference
6) Come to think of it, he is actually covering it all
7) When you run out of booze at your party, guess who is buying … not anyone else
8) Because his floor seats at the Knicks game are the perfect cure to get away from the stress of school every other night
9) Grades don’t matter because his Pop will get him a job out of college and so he’s down to go out any night of the week
10) Come to think of it, your grades aren’t too good yourself and his Pop may be able to score you a job too
11) If his Pop can’t get you a job, career prospects aren’t looking too good …
12) By-the-way, his Pop, who is worth like a trillion dollars, is best friends with the police chief and so your house has yet to get a noise complaint even though you can hear the music a half a mile away
13) Because his solution to everything is “put it on the (credit) card”
14) Because he “don’t want to live in no shithole” and so a maid comes every other week to clean the house
15) He is a “Gold Member” at Phantom Fireworks and so he gets all the deals and the hook-ups on fireworks that may or may not be ‘technically legal’ in the United States … “Gold Member” status is probably the most exclusive club in all the U.S.
16) His one of many vacation homes is in Tahoe, and so who doesn’t want to go skiing with him over winter break
17) Speaking of Tahoes, he drives a Chevrolet Tahoe, and the ladies really start to recognize you and the crew when you’re riding that car around campus
18) He orders so many packages from Amazon.com that you can snag a couple every now and then and he won’t notice
19) He pays more than half of the rent for the house
20) Then his Pop got tired of paying rent every month, so he bought the house. Now everyone lives in that house rent-free.
Good luck on the search!
Nick Reitnour
Copyright © 2014 University Primetime
