I told myself that I didn’t care. “Stay positive” I told myself, and I will keep telling myself over and over until the words are burned into my brain and my mind has become like some pathetic self-help book, but here I am writing this at 1am because I can’t sleep. Again.
It’s not easy you know.
I spend more time peeling outfit after outfit on and off of my body than I do actually wearing something. There’s nothing I detest more than spending an hour coloring and painting the flaws off my face like I’m some sort of child’s drawing. I spend more time feeling bad about myself and worrying about how I look than I do feeling beautiful and happy, which is never.
It’s not easy you know.
I tried moving on, and I did. I did and he’s so wonderful. Yet I spend more time worrying about what I’m doing wrong than realizing everything that is right and good and wonderful. And every time he tries to hold my hand, I pull mine away. Every time he gives me a compliment, I call him a liar or tell him to shut up, because you trained my mind to shut down every single compliment that I receive.
It’s not easy you know.
It’s not easy being vulnerable. I was independent, strong, and I had an unconditional love for myself and my life. Let’s make this clear. I don’t miss you, or what we had. I have moved on from what we had, but I do miss the love I had for myself. I miss being able to recognize a compliment, and accept them. I miss being able to show compassion and affection. I miss the person I was before you took that away from me. I can’t show love towards anyone else let alone myself because of you. Maybe I’m to blame for allowing this to happen, but know that I will never be the same.
It’s not easy you know, being broken.
** Written By: Ashley Ortwine, Oakland Community College**
