A clean slate.
That is what I thought I would have after two years of not dating or “talking” to anyone, or whatever we do these days. The overthinking and the questioning would be behind me, right?
Wrong.
The overthinking and the questions came naturally in my previous relationship, yet, looking back, that was all very well deserved. With him, I should have been thinking too hard, and I should have been asking questions. Some may argue that I should have even done that a little bit harder.
However, this is not about him because he is in the past. I have forgiven, and I thought I forgot. Being with someone new, someone I really like, I realized I am going to need to teach myself how to be in a relationship again–a healthy one.
In my last relationship, I thought girlfriends were supposed to worry. That was our job. Clearly, I was wrong. Now, it is not necessary, yet I have to constantly remind myself that there is absolutely nothing to worry about. This one is one of the good ones. He does not deserve to get hounded by irrational questions because he is different.
It is not that I am still caught up in the previous guy because that is not it at all. It is simply that I am still caught up in the previous girl, the girl I was before. The girlfriend I knew how to be, no matter how much it pained me.
The guy after the heartbreak, or the guy after the bad relationship, is one of the hardest. Why?
Because he means something. He is worth letting my guard down again, yet I have to remind myself how to do that.
Because he is not the other guy. He simply does not deserve the repercussions of the bruises already on my heart.
Mostly, because I have to teach myself how to be in a healthy relationship again.
I am lucky, though. With him, the laughs and the communication tends to come naturally between us. It is not hard to stop my mind from racing because I know, for a fact, that he is a genuinely good guy. He looks me in the eyes. He laughs at me and with me. He makes memories with me. He supports me, even with subtle gestures. He ate chicken wings with me and still talks to me. He came over for every game of the World Series, despite my roller coaster of emotions.
It is up to me to remind myself that he, thankfully, is not the previous one. It is up to me to allow myself to have that clean slate. It is not only fair to him, but also to me. I refuse to let one bad relationship define this one. That relationship does not deserve any more of my worry or my concern. However, this one does. This one deserves the purest heart, so that is what he will get.
