If you’ve been online at all lately, you’ve probably noticed a popular trend. It comes from all of our favorite websites, and from people in many walks of life: advice, or even strict suggestions, on what makes the ~perfect~ relationship.
Anyone with a Twitter page has seen firsthand the #RelationshipGoals that are plastered all over his or her timeline. We’ve all clicked on articles that our friends share on Facebook about “20 Reasons You Know He’s The One” (I mean, who isn’t curious?) But what does this mean for the REAL LIFE relationship? Is yours bound to fail if he doesn’t fit into every category in that list? Does it even count if you don’t get a “My Princess” Pandora ring?
So, here are a few things to keep in mind before getting too carried away:
Unrealistic “goals” — Whether it’s a Tiffany necklace, a pound of your favorite candy, insane Promposals, (even surprise puppies?) girls everywhere drool over, and retweet these things, on a regular basis. But the sad truth is, many of us are generally at an age where money is tight, and being spoiled with expensive jewelry, giant teddy bears, and 10 bouquets of red roses might be a little bit out of the budget. These “Relationship Goals” are all material, and we often lose sight of the little ways in which someone can genuinely bring us joy. No amount of cutesie surprises amount to strong, healthy bonds. (Spoiler Alert: presents can’t buy happiness.)
Celebrities/Movies are not real life — In our crazy pop culture-based society, we idolize people who pick and choose what they reveal to the public. Sure, they may look good on the red carpet, but every relationship has hardships, demons, and secrets. We just don’t get to see theirs, mostly because of talented PR teams and carefully selected Instagram filters/captions. Also, TV shows and movies provide poor models of relationships. Everything is not like the Notebook, as much as we sometimes wish it was. And truthfully, most guys hate the Nicholas Sparks phenomenon because it makes them look like inconsiderate jerks just because they don’t write their girlfriends letters for 365 days straight. After all, many of the relationships these shows symbolize are unhealthy and codependent in the first place. PS – Don’t even get me started on everything that’s wrong with Fifty Shades of Grey.
“Lists” of positive/necessary qualities don’t apply to all situations — These lists are everywhere. In fact, it’s hard to even go a day without seeing one on your Newsfeed. But think about it: you can’t hold a unique individual to the standards of someone else that you see online. Ten things that one person finds attractive or important may be different than your own views, just like your deal breakers may be different. It’s important to explore your own wants and needs before holding others to strict guidelines. Plus, you’re probably not perfect either (I know, it hurts.) But, you wouldn’t want a guy casting you aside just because you didn’t meet his “list” of perfect qualities. Give everyone a fair chance before you judge. Just because he’s not a 6’3″ guitar playing, body builder with the abs of Zac Efron, it doesn’t mean he isn’t worth your time. Don’t doubt your own relationships just because they don’t fit into a simple mold. Everyone is different.
Superficial vs. Healthy expectations — The overall moral of the story is that most things social media portray as “important” are only skin deep. In the end, you should desire someone who supports you through difficult situations, and who you can trust with your insecurities. Someone who makes you feel healthy, happy, encouraged and proud of your accomplishments. Someone you can be yourself around, who makes you better through mutual support and respect, and who doesn’t demean you or make you feel insignificant. I’m sure if you asked a couple who has been married for 50+ years, these are the things that they will remember, NOT some random piece of jewelry that probably got lost anyway.
Obviously social media works both ways. Many of these theories apply to the way guys view women too (because let’s face it, we obviously aren’t all Victoria’s Secret models.) And trust me, all of these things go far beyond romantic relationships too. Many say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but applying the standards of strangers to our own lives isn’t the wisest of strategies. Now of course, you CAN have a stable, healthy relationship that includes surprises, presents, and plenty of adorable text messages and phone calls. We all love the little “movie” moments sometimes, just make sure there’s a strong foundation under all of that mush.
At the end of the day, what most people don’t realize is that no amount of cheesy Facebook posts or #WCWs will make your relationship more valid. And much of the time, broadcasting every detail of something that is meant to be “private” can be dangerous. Don’t get me wrong: every relationship is different, and requires a little bit of variety to be interesting and worthwhile. But on the other hand, if you base your personal life on the expectations of everyone else, then is it really personal?
