1) Essays suck; drinking is fun. Maybe drinking will make writing the essay fun.
2) You got an F on your last essay so might as well try something new.
3) You are simultaneously pregaming for the bar so you’re killing two birds with one stone.
4) And you just can’t show up to the bar without being thoroughly drunk.
5) Because who makes an essay due on Thursday night anyways? This is college … Thursday night is the beginning of the weekend and I’m not going to let a college professor control how I live my life.
6) The professor said this is the kind of paper you can’t do all at the last minute. … Yea ok, not only can you write it from start to finish at the last minute; You’re going to add another layer of expertism to it and do it drunk.
7) … And no one ever won the lottery by playing it safe
8) Because you are always still drunk in this Wednesday morning class and so being drunk may or may not cause you to remember some stuff.
9) Because it makes it easier to creatively rephrase entire paragraphs that you found on Wikipedia.
10) Because Ernest Hemingway did it and he turned out pretty well.
11) Alcohol is liquid confidence … confidence is something you lack when it comes to schoolwork.
12) Suddenly you are an expert on everything from heart surgery to rocket science.
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