1. I am just a penis. The rest of me is just there to make sure my penis survives long enough to make more penises.
2. If Homer Simpson were a Democratic Congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he’d be “Homer Simpson (D-OH)
3. Healthy is simply the slowest rate at which you can die
4. The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
5. If you have 1 threesome, your average partner per session will always be more than 1.
6. Knocking on somebody’s door is basically punching their house until they let you in.
7. Instead of tear gas, police should employ THC cannisters during a riot and push multiple free snack carts in outward directions to disperse rioters and dissuade them from destruction.
8. If the nice ladies messaging me on porn websites know what town I’m in, I shouldn’t have to tell accuweather my zip code every time I want to check the forecast
9. People doing science is like a sim writing out the code to its own game
