Dear anxiety,
I hate you.
I hate you more than I hate the color yellow or the word “moist” or having to wake up for my 8am class. I hate that you make me second guess every single word that comes out of my mouth. I hate that you can steal away my appetite, my ability to sleep at night, and my happiness. I think most of all I hate that you appear at a moments notice. You are an unwelcome guest constantly poking at me whenever I think things might be okay.
You are a truly exhausting disease.
It is usually around 3am that I will ask myself why I was cursed by you. Anxiety, you are unkind when you make me hold onto words I mistakenly said when I was 13 and angry. You hold onto my missteps and screw up and wrong words. It is because of you that I have to put on an act and I wonder if someone is talking about me behind my back. It is because of you that I can’t get out of bed sometimes. You can make the skin around my fingers and toes feel too tight and make me believe that there is a hole in my chest the size of a basketball.
I am so tired of this power you are holding over my head.
So, I am here to tell you something. I am here to say I am not my short comings. I am not my 3am anxiety attacks, not the demons inside of my head, not my random fits of self destruction driven by you. I am my positivity. I am what makes me passionate, the 6am conversations in the light a new day, and the stars I lay under every night. I am whatever I decide to be, not what my past shows I was or what my you tell me you see me as. I am my screw ups and misspoken words and wrong choices, but all of that is okay. Not a single person is perfect but every human, every living thing, is so amazingly beautiful. I will continue to misstep and apologize for things that aren’t my fault and all of that is okay because I am moving forward. I am moving far away from your reach.
So, to my anxiety, your time as a unwelcome guest is coming to an end. You are no longer allowed to reside here because positivity has taken your place. I am tired of hating you. And I know that you will rear your ugly head every now and again but you no longer have any business calling my mind your home.
