You guys will always be a part of my childhood: you will forever be the people who I shared my first words, steps, Christmases, dance recitals, and memories with. When I think of my childhood, you’ll forever be in that mental picture in my mind of what it was like to experience the excitement of “hearing Santa on the roof” for the first time or the ones who brought me flowers to my first ballet recital. You will all be my first memories of that one vacation of all of us on the beach, covered in sand and smiles, getting too much sun and having too much fun at the same time. You all took part in shaping the person I was, even if our time was cut short due to unfortunate circumstances.
Although you were there for many of my firsts, you didn’t get to experience them all with me. You weren’t there for my 16th birthday when I learned to drive, you didn’t see me graduate high school or see how excited I was when I got into my first choice of college. You don’t get to experience the joy that I feel, now in college, as I make the best friends I’ve ever had, get good grades, or discover who I am and who I want to be.
I don’t blame you for this tragic divide in the family, but there was a point where I did blame myself. So many words and thoughts left unsaid and unexpressed, I blamed myself for not trying harder or doing more than I could have to hold the family together. All of these years later and I still feel the pain in my chest when I think of all we’ve missed out on in each other’s lives.
With all of that said, I do still, and will forever, love each and every one of you that I’ve lost contact with over the years. I hope everyone is well and happy, and you still have the same warm, familiar smiles that I fondly remember from my childhood. Although I can only see these smiles now in photographs or in quick glances in passing, it’s nice to know that while everything seemed to have changed, we’re all still the same inside. I’m still the little girl watching out the window for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, and you will forever be the people who silently smiled, wishing I would never grow up.
