Happy Birthday. I still remember the first time we met. The smile on your face made me realize something about you was so perfect, but I was afraid to want to date you. I remember all my best friends telling me that I was being so silly. I never had a girlfriend before in my life. What was I supposed to do? I was so used to trying to find someone to love at party after party after party every weekend, not finding the right girl that could be the perfect fit. I was blinded by the fact that a girl for the taking was right in front of me, and I refused to realize it. Could this girl actually like me? Why would she like me? What about me is she so into that she would even want to date me? These are questions I kept asking myself, and my friends kept on reassuring me that she wanted me to ask her out. This was all so real to me, so new to me, so….. refreshing. To know a girl actually liked me for a change and wanted me to ask her out, it all finally felt so right. I’ll never forget our phone call we had when we made it official over school break, and our first time seeing each other when we got back on campus being an official couple. You looked so amazing and I finally realized that this was real. I actually have my first real girlfriend and someone I can finally be myself around.
I’ll never forget my friends telling me that I would eventually “mess up” the relationship as a joke. The funny thing was that the whole time we were in our relationship, that is exactly what I was afraid of. I kept on thinking to myself that I was not good enough, that there was no way this girl so attractive can really be into me, that I would do something wrong to piss her off to want to break up with me. The ironic thing is that I set myself up for failure. I did it all to myself. I did such foolish things that I still cannot fathom. The fear of loss and fear of doubt got to me. Everything is so ironic how it happens. Girls would never talk to me, and all of a sudden girls randomly started talking to me as soon as I got a girlfriend. On campus, I would always know where good parties were at, and girls would start messaging me on Facebook and texting me to know the address. I was the total asshole who would be flirting in texts while I had a girlfriend. I kept on thinking that if this girl broke up with me, I would at least have someone that can be my next girlfriend after. However, I should’ve been thinking this whole time about my one and only girl, and that was you. Any normal guy would dedicate his entire time, texts, phone calls, Facebook messages, etc. to you to see how your day was doing and ignore any other girl that tried to get in our way. I couldn’t handle the pressure of having a girlfriend. I let all of this get to my head and made excuse after excuse for not realizing to just stop for a second and realize what I had. Every guy has regrets in their life. My regret is for me being the moron, me being the asshole, me being someone that I am not. The horrible thing about all of this is that I always told myself I would never cheat on anyone. Through all the stories i’ve heard, to friends being cheated on, I always promised myself that would never be me. I did the unthinkable……
That stupid drunk night. Why was I so dumb. I remember we had girls over our house to hang out and drink. My one friend brought a girl to his room, and I remember being pretty out of it. My bed was not moved in yet for my room that I was supposed to sleep in, and I desperately wanted a bed to sleep in. The couches were full of people staying over the night sleeping on them, and I had no place to sleep. I’ll never forget one of the girls sleeping in one of our roommates beds and me passing out next to her. While I did not do anything more than making out with the girl, it’s still cheating, and I did the unthinkable. I woke up the next morning realizing I was in bed with the girl, and her shirt was off. WHAT THE HELL DID I DO. WHAT DID I DO?! I kept on thinking to myself how horrible of a thing I just did. I actually just cheated on the only girlfriend i’ve ever had and the only girl I could ever say I really “loved” . I didn’t know what to do. Do I tell my girlfriend or do I keep it a secret and hope she never finds out. I did what was the little boy way of doing things which was keeping it a secret. By doing this, I really could not live with myself. Weeks were going by and I couldn’t even kiss my girlfriend and give her the love she deserved. She was starting to notice that something was wrong. I’ll never forget the night I was in your dorm room and we were laying down in bed and you were mad that I was barely kissing you. You knew that something was wrong. It was the week of Halloween weekend, and we got into our biggest fight ever. You were crying and we broke up. I’ll never forget my friend picking me up in a taxi from your dorm room and asking me if I was alright. I was not alright because I was living a lie. A lie I could not live with, a lie that I would regret for the rest of my life. I remember we went to a Halloween Party that same night, and I literally sat in a corner with tears coming down my eyes. I knew right away there was no coming back from this. I knew right away that everything that was so great that I always wished I could have was vanished. The one, the only, amazing girlfriend I’ve ever had was now gone. The life of being miserable and single was now the path I was bound to go. The path that my friends once joked about with me telling me I would be that single, lonely man once more. The sad joke officially became a sad reality quite quickly.
I’ll never forget the most stupid thing i’ve ever done in my life. I remember I had $600 in my wallet. I knew I had to do something to try to salvage my relationship. I remember hearing that you were going home for the weekend. I begged my friends to drive me to your hometown hours away from our college to see you face to face. Weeks had passed and you were not answering any of my text messages. I’ll never forget paying for a taxi $300 back and forth to your hometown for a 2 hour ride. I didn’t know your home address by heart so I took a picture in front of a sign in your town and sent you the text message of it. I remember you responding in a not so generous way ( I totally deserved it) , and you saying you were not even home and away at a party in another town. My surprise, my last try to salvage a relationship that was already more than dead, officially was now gone. I remember staying overnight in a hotel by myself, crying for hours, not being able to go to sleep. How could I be so dumb to do what I did? How can I become this evil, lying, piece of crap boyfriend that I was to make you think of me as something that I would never want to be? There really was no excuse for my behavior, and nobody to hate but myself. You did nothing wrong as you were a perfect girlfriend. I was the guy who let the greatest thing that ever happened to me go. I was a coward, afraid, and was not acting like the charming boyfriend I knew I should’ve been. It’s been almost two years already since we broke up, and I can’t believe where this time has gone. After promising myself to not look at any of your social media pages, I finally gave in, and I see that you have a new boyfriend who I am sure is treating you the way you deserve to be treated. I know you’re a great girl, I know he must be treating you right, and I know he is the luckiest guy in the entire world. I hope for you nothing but the best, and maybe one day a time will come where I see you one last time face to face. The last time we ever talked in person was that break up two years ago in your dorm room, and i’ll forever have to live with that horrible taste in my mouth. I want you to know that you are what motivates me to be a better person, you are what motivates me to be successful in life at what I do, and you are what pushes me to be great. You were a huge part of my life in good ways and bad ways. You are the biggest reason why I am the person I am today, and the reason why I am not trying to find anyone anytime soon to make a girlfriend. I’ll know when the time is right to find my next love, and that time will come when I least expect it. I just want you to know that love is a strong word, and I clearly did not realize the proper meaning of it when I told it to you. For that, I am forever sorry, regretful, and from the bottom of my heart hate myself for doing what I put you through. I was a terrible person, terrible boyfriend, and I am sorry for me being someone you probably would like not to remember ever. I’ll leave you off with one last sentence if you even cared to read this all. I hope your family is ok. I hope your father who didn’t treat you right as a child is doing ok as I know he was not healthy when we last talked when we were dating. I hope your mom is still dating that guy who was really awesome. Lastly, yes… you got me into being a big fan of The Notebook, and now every time I see it’s on television and watch it, I cry thinking of you. Thank you for being my first love, my first and last girl to ever cheat on, and the girl who changed my life in so many ways. I hope you’re enjoying your senior year of college, and I know you’ll be doing awesome things out of college. To your future husband, I hope you know what you’re getting. You’re getting an awesome, intelligent, fun, amazing, athletic, extraordinary girl with a smile that can lighten up your day in a second. Please treat her right, please do what I didn’t do, and please don’t ever lie to her.
Your Horrible, Pathetic Ex Boyfriend Who Regrets What He Did To You Every Day Of My Life