The best two words to describe the feeling of being closeted, for me, were lonely and selfish.
The feeling of loneliness doesn’t always derive from being physically alone in a given place for long periods of time, although that’s part of what it felt like to be in the “sexuality closet.” Being trapped in my mind with the presence of abnormality in every crevice of my body weighed me down emotionally as I went through each day putting on an act of being someone I wasn’t. I should have won a grammy for my insane performance. Loneliness was more prevalent on my end in the emotional department. I’ve always been completely surrounded by people: friends, family, teachers, peers, co-workers, children, you name it. That’s the most difficult kind of loneliness there is, though. Being surrounded by individuals and feeling like you are the only one in the room.
Because I was the only person on Earth that knew I was gay before a few months ago, I carried around demons my entire life. The most evil demon of all was selfishness. Not only did I feel as if I was being selfish to the people around me for lying to them about who I was, but I was being even more selfish to myself by not living my best life. I was depriving myself from the love that everyone around me was seeming to find and that I craved ever so desperately. I felt selfish every day as I would look my friends in the eyes and marvel about the “hot guy on the lax team,” or the boyfriends I led on for too many months while I tried to change how I felt about them.
Days dragged by as I loathed the person I allowed myself to become. I didn’t choose to be gay, so why was I the one who was left to suffer this much? Coming out was something that I could never see myself doing. I thought that it would change every aspect of my life from the friends I had, to the way my family viewed me, to the way society perceived me in general. But honestly, nothing has changed besides my level of happiness. It’s the apprehension you feel and the terrifying thoughts that consume your mind that keep you from coming out, and that’s why the closet is so dark.
Love comes in all forms. Man-man, man-woman, woman-woman. The determinant all depends on your fate at birth, and no matter what that fate is, there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s also no sign on your forehead telling everyone who you are. I think for some of us it would have been easier that way; we wouldn’t have had to go through life as strangers in our own bodies, and I honestly think that acceptance for LGBT members would have evolved a lot quicker. But the world isn’t perfect, and neither are any of us. What makes us imperfect, however, is not who we happen to love.
Life as a closeted member of the LGBT community wasn’t only a lonely and selfish feeling for me, but it was also extremely frustrating. Trying to change myself and my preferences was something I strived for every single day, and as many of you reading this know, sexuality isn’t something that’s capable of being changed. I was ashamed of how I felt and I would have done anything to be society’s version of “normal.”
As a fully “out” gay girl in college, I can confidently say that living my best life is something that I have achieved. It’s been a long, hard road to get here, but I’ve finally found the light (or the rainbow) at the end of the dark tunnel. Being locked in the closet is definitely a miserable, depressing time, but I realize now that sometimes all it takes is finding the key that’ll unlock the happiness you’ve been searching for your whole life. Definitely easier said than done, but it’s worth it in the end. We all deserve our best chance, so it’s time for you to achieve yours if you haven’t yet. There is nothing wrong with being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or any other label you may identify yourself as, so never let anyone make you feel bad for the choice that wasn’t yours. Love yourself enough to stop denying yourself from being yourself because love is love.
Let this be a sign to any closeted men, women, boys or girls out there who think they’re too afraid to be themselves. You can do this, and you’re probably ready. The world is going to love you just the same.
