“You know what? YOU are my soulmate. Like, I just freaking love you so much.”
“I love you more! You are so perfect and beautiful, and the only thing more beautiful than your heart is your smoking bod.”
“YOU have a smoking bod! Seriously, if only vaginas didn’t naturally repulse me, you would be ‘the one.’”
“Yeah, forget every stupid douche I’ve ever been with… YOU are the only one who’s been here through thick and thin.”
*Cue drunken, tear-soaked hug*
“Does my makeup look okay?”
“F*ck no… come closer let me wipe off your smudged eyeliner.”
“I love you.”
“OK wait, you have to come into the bathroom with me for a second.”
“What do you need?”
“I need you to look at my nipples… I think they might be inverted!!”
“OMG, COMING!!”
Flash-forward to her examining your nipples in dive-bar stall:
“They’re totally normal… you did miss a hair here, though.”
“Ah!! Can you just pluck it with your fingers?!?!?”
“Remember when you kissed Tommy Christianson in seventh grade even though you knew I had a huge crush on him?”
“Yes, of course I remember, and I still feel guilty about it every day!!”
“It’s OK!! I just wanted to say it’s OK! I forgive you.”
“I love you so much.”
“No, I love YOU so much!!”
“I hate John. He’s such a douche…did you see what a douche was?”
“You don’t hate John, and he’s not a douche. Shut the f*ck up.”
“OK, he’s so cute.”
“The cutest!!!”
“Do you think I should just go for it??”
“Yes. One hundred percent. He’s so nice and funny and into you.”
“OK, just track my location so you can alert the authorities if you don’t hear from me tomorrow.”
“What else are best friends for?”
“I know I’m supposed to love Steve… but, Shannon, I HATE STEVE!!”
“Nooooo, but you can’t hate Steve!!”
“But he smells so weird, and you’re so beautiful, and he’s so average, and you hang out with him more than you hang out with me, and it makes me so sad!!”
*Cue tears and hugs and promises about how no man will ever come before this everlasting friendship*
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